I'll tell you what you want, and I'll tell you what you get

-you get away from me. I haven't listened to that song in quite a while. It makes me a bit nostalgic for my more foolish high school days when I thought I could be some sort of dark green navy blue kind of girl.

I always felt so edgy in high school and in my freshman year of college. I felt like I wasn't as innocent as other students. I really don't know why specifically, but I had that feeling. Maybe I felt like my view wasn't as limited or something--I cared about bigger things.

I'm not sure who that girl was. A silly girl. I'm happy to be where I am now instead. I really do feel a lot older compared to when I was a freshman. Although, all my more foolish dreams are buried somewhere inside, and I wish I had someone who could relate to them and bring them out of me. I'll never broadcast them, but they're definitely there.

I'm wiser in some ways, yes. Not so much in other ways, namely relationships. I'm working on it, I'm really trying. But then again, there's only so much I can do on my own--other people have to want to spend time with me, too.

I'll admit, I get very lonely. It makes a huge difference that I live at home. It may not seem like a big deal because I'm right by campus, but the thing is, so much happens that is not planned. People hang out in their dorms with their roommates while doing homework, they go to dinner together, they go on spontaneous missions. This is where relationships grow, and this is what I lack. I am often only included if something is highly planned, and usually not even then. I don't really have a group that I feel a part of because of my situation.

That's given me trouble for a long time. I have been confused and felt unimportant. For a while (and due to other reasons) this feeling of worthlessness was so bad that it took on the form of depression. Though that has overwhelmingly passed, I am still vulnerable to those feelings and doubts.

And they surface most often when I really really want someone to care about me, i.e., because I really really care about them. So, often the relationships that I want the most of are the ones I am most confused and doubtful of. And with my luck, most everyone I care about a lot doesn't care about me in the same way. It's really hard for me to open up when I have these doubts. I get really closed off without meaning to.

This all makes me sound really gloomy. But I'm a very positive person in general. I guess all this stuff is just hidden. It's sometimes hard to keep my spirits up, though.

I try. Sometimes I fail.