But you know sometimes I'm a liar

This is another classic high school Christine song. I was thinking about it, and I think that back then, I loved being able to relate to these songs about bitter relationships. When I said in my previous post that I felt edgy, I think it was partly because I listened to songs like this rather than any kind of sappy wimpy music to deal with heartache. There was nothing mopey or gentle about my feelings--they more closely resembled the crunchy guitar riffs and hard beats and dark twists of songs like this. I kind of feel like there aren't many bands out there right now of this style--everything's gotten a bit precious and sensitive. Man, and the Violent Femmes were so minimal, too. It's so awesome. Something about those late 80s/early 90s alternative bands--Sonic Youth, Smashing Pumpkins, Violent Femmes, Pixies--I really love them all.

But I think these kind of feelings were as difficult as it got for me in high school. It really wasn't that bad at all, especially when I look at it in retrospect of the experience of severe depression and everything that encompassed that. There was none of this kind of musical energy in that pain. It was dampened, lifeless.

So now that I am experiencing this old Violent Femmes style heartache again, it feels ridiculous. I feel foolish and naive and as if the real trouble I've had didn't even happen--I know that pain so much worse is possible, but that doesn't convince me not to feel hurt. It's like whatever I learned from the pain of severe depression isn't helping me right now.

I guess they were different situations--right now, the pain is like being stabbed, whereas before it was like a chronic illness. Still, you'd think I would be stronger now. But instead, I feel I am much weaker.

In some ways, this is a good thing, though. I have found that I have become a much more sympathetic and understanding person in general due to experiencing severe depression. I don't have time for unkindness and don't understand it or tolerate it in others. I suppose this makes me pretty sensitive and prone to be upset when others aren't kind (which kind of backfires because then I can retaliate in a very unkind way. I'm not perfect). But I don't think I'm wrong in wanting and striving for kindness.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control

I love to sing "Fathom the Nine Fruits Pie" by Danielson to remind me of the nine fruits of the spirit. What a great song. :) I'll try to have that at the front of my mind.