Slow down, you're movin' too fast

"That says a lot about life, and about cat massage."

And it took a long time, but I came clean with myself

I have a lot to get done before tomorrow. But I just wanted to take a moment to, well, I dunno actually.

I just deleted a whole long thing I started to write because I didn't know why I was writing about it on here. It wasn't a matter of being too personal, even though it was, because I'm not worried about being personal with anyone who reads this. Rather, it was about things that need to be said in conversation or in my own head. Mostly in my own head.

So...what else did I have left to say.

I love the movie Stardust.

I think that was pretty much it.

Since it's Christmas, let's be glad

Even if your life's been bad. Here's to hoping it can get a little better. Merry Christmas everyone! (i.e., my two readers. Maybe three...MaryLynn? You there?)
I don't know why this picture is sideways. Oh well. These are the egg ornaments left after the art sale. I'm surprised no one bought "Lovebirds" (upper right), but I'm kind of glad I still have that one. It's darling. And the reason they're not hanging on a tree is because mom said we're not putting up the tree this year.
I felt a huge sense of accomplishment after painstakingly icing and sprinkling each cookie individually until I looked over at the counter and saw about 100 more un-iced cookies.
So I said a big, "screw that!"
Playin' favorite Christmas hymns.This reminds me of a monster with a million eyes. Or a plate of bacteria colonies. I probably spent too much time in the lab this semester.When I was in 8th grade and in my phase of reading about obsessive-compulsive disorder, I read that OCD is never really cured, but rather it may be expressed differently over a person's life. Well. At least I don't have to step on every floor tile in a room, or sit on every chair I see, or hoard scraps of fabric and pieces of plastic, or swing the poster on my wall 10 times before going to bed...and then realizing that I had to compensate for all the nights I hadn't done that and consequently staying up late, swinging the poster over and over and over again...yes. At least I'm not crazy anymore.Huh. Actually, the evidence may be inconclusive.

So, to sum up: Merry Christmas! And remember when I had OCD as a kid? And if I could, I think I'd wear those glasses all the time.

You know our hearts beat time, they're waiting for something that'll never arrive

I figure it would be nice to have some goals over Christmas break. Here's what I started to come up with today on my walk:

1. Take ridiculously long walks (e.g., to Central Library downtown, to Highland/Minnehaha falls, Como Park/Zoo, to the Mississippi) and think about God, like old times
2. Bake a chocolate babka (after Korea)
3. Choreograph a tap routine to "U Can't Touch This"
4. Sew that dress that I got a pattern and fabric for a while ago
5. Don't get hit by a car
6. Apply to my REUs (how exciting!)
7. Start including hymns that have more than one flat or sharp in the key signature in my piano sight-reading practice
8. Learn the French for the Poulenc "La Courte Paille"
9. Read like 50 books, give or take a few
10. Pick up from where I left off in teaching myself to do a handstand
11. In a similar vein, restore my flexibility so I can do the splits again
12. Add some embellishments to the collage I made this summer
13. Watch some favorite movies...Spinal Tap, Spirited Away, Nausicaa, Wayne's World
14. Spend one full day in a bathrobe

You know, in case I'm worried about losing ambition.

This is the irrational season, when love blooms bright and wild

Sigh.

I could dance all night, I could dance all night

My favorite Christmas piece:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9WSbq3TCcd0

I want to run and keep running until I reach an open field in Western Minnesota, and I will lie down in the field and my body will be flattened and stretched until it covers every deserted place in the world, and I will sink into the ground and become that sum of places.

There is danger in the night

Yesterday I discovered something. Next to "THE TRIANGLE OF THEFT" is a note that says, "ONLY YOU CAN REMOVE THE OPPORTUNITY."

Opportunity! That's what's missing!

Finals week. A time to wrap up loose ends.

On another note, I have had a series of disastrous dreams. Three nights ago, it was a collapsed roof, a flood, and a shooting. Two nights ago, it was a robbery. And last night, it was a pair of serial killers and a war. It's feeling terribly ominous. I suppose I'll wait and see what happens.

The gray sky fell, we felt the pressure drop

I have learned something: retrospect makes the heart grow fonder.

I have also realized that this is dangerous for me.

Every day in the tunnel, I pass by a display about campus robberies, and it has a sign that says, "THE TRIANGLE OF THEFT." It looks like this:


And every day, I wonder what the third point of the triangle of theft is. I'm tempted to think it's "neglect."

Come on back to me, reality

This morning I woke up with a start, a question burning in my mind.

Why was the macarena such a big deal in elementary school?

I think that's all I have to say about my day today. Oh, except that I was going to take a picture of the ten Ukrainian egg ornaments I made for the art sale as a Christmas present to my blog, but I forgot. I'll make more! Better ones! I should make some for presents, anyway.

But then shall I know even as also I am known

I like when we have choir concerts because they allow me to fulfill one of my deepest desires: to wear black nylons with no pants.

I also like the singing. Actually, I think my favorite part of the Christmas concert might be the artwork.

One more thing. I have found that 2 things are the height of comedy to me:
1. Sudden head movements
2. Large, slow moving things
Almost without fail, these things will make me laugh my special laugh.

Can't hitch a meteorite

When I was younger and couldn't fall asleep at night, I would pretend that my bed was a spaceship. It had a dome over it so that I could breathe, and it was simply furnished, containing only a Nintendo with Super Mario and a machine that made tacos. This was all I needed for a journey however many light-years long. So, I would sit up at the edge of my bed and play Super Mario on the imaginary Nintendo, and then I would take a break to eat a taco from the taco machine and look out of the dome at all the stars passing by. I would wonder, am I there yet? How much longer will I sit in my bed-bubble-spaceship playing Super Mario and eating tacos? But I never had a destination in mind.

It must have been a time travel spaceship because I always ended up in the next morning.

The world surrounds us every day

We returned from our traditional trip out to Appleton for Thanksgiving. I love going out to Western Minnesota. At the same time, the small towns out there make me feel...I'm not sure if claustrophobic is the right word because you can see for miles. If anything, it makes me feel as if I'm going to fly off the face of the earth. Anxious is perhaps the word I'm looking for. Everything feels stuck in the past, tired, forgotten. Forgotten things make me uncomfortable, I think.

This makes me wonder--am I really someone who needs the city? I've never really thought of myself as someone who fits best in areas of high population, especially since I've often thought that I would even enjoy living alone in the woods. But I don't think it's the population that makes a difference--I think what I need is a dynamic atmosphere. The city gives me that, maybe even simply because the city gives me a degree of anonymity, so I can have my own island of thoughts. Living alone in the woods would also leave me in solitude with my thoughts. So, both settings would be as dynamic as my own mind. On the other hand, small towns are much more static and exposed in my mind, and I think I find that oppressive.

There's something I can't quite reconcile about how I feel yet, though. I've been thinking about it all day, or at least, for most of the 6 hours spent in the car. Sometimes I wonder about the conclusions I make to justify the way I feel. I'm so out of touch with my feelings that I seldom know why I feel something, so I have to psychoanalyze myself to figure it out. But I only go until I find something that makes sense to me. Who knows if it is true or not.

At the same time, I have learned to trust my feelings even when I do not understand them. I have found that my intuition can speak for my true self better than my conscious thoughts often can. In a way, that makes me feel kind of powerless, especially since I value my mind a lot and I think the greatest gift I have is the ability to make sense of things in my head. Emotions are humbling, aren't they.

Digging For Fire

I'm falling apart. And I can't hold together the pieces of myself, and I think I've lost some of them.

My hope is that things get worse before they get better. I'm just tired of waiting for that turnaround to happen.

Well. Goodbye for now. Maybe next time, I'll have started to see the light.

How dare they try to end this beauty?

Today I was recruited to sing a descant in chapel, and the reading they did in chapel was from Revelation about the new heaven and the new earth. I love Revelation--it's beautifully mysterious, and I love the mystery in the promise of new life. But it got me remembering back to when I was in Israel and reading "Simply Christian" by N. T. Wright, which talks a lot about the new heaven and new earth to come and that Jesus was the point where heaven and earth met. And being in Israel on the Sea of Galilee, I felt as if the land there was lost in a daydream and would whisper memories to me of the time when heaven touched the earth...as if the power of Jesus coming to that place had granted salvation to the very land itself. I've never been anywhere like it.

Summer 2011. I've got to go back then, if not this next summer. Besides, I want to dig some more :)

You know what it is about Sufjan Stevens' music that I love most? I love the imagery and mimicry of birds. I'm not sure whether it's intentional on his part, but birds/wings are everywhere in his music (lyrics and sound), and I love how they give everything a kind of unearthly feel. It's interesting because I think a lot about following God by transcending earthly things, but I do that by thinking of contrasting characteristics and trying (trying) to choose the more Christ-like of the two: love/hate, humility/pride, generosity/selfishness, welcoming/judging, trust/worry etc. But I love how the imagery of birds provides a concrete symbol for these more abstract transcendental ideas. And the symbol creates even more mystery because it's open ended. Basically, I think using birds as a symbol of the unearthly is a beautiful way to think about faith while staying true to the mystery and depth of faith.

I'd like to think the bird imagery is intentional and that it is meant to be a symbol of transcending earth, like I see it. Who knows, though. Perhaps if I ever meet him again (with the condition that I wouldn't be so terribly shy from embarrassment), I will ask. Although, who am I kidding--if there is any possibility that the symbol is meant to be as I see it, then no amount of shyness could stop me from finding out.

Dreaming out the crazy way

On my list of 52 favorite things, I would have to include "finding song lyrics to title blog entries." Funny, I don't even really care about lyrics that much usually. Music to me is more about the emotion of the sound. I wonder if that's because I'm not emotional enough myself, so music ends up being kind of an "emotion pill" that I can take to feel things that other people feel. Perhaps, growing up surrounded by music, I have never found the need to feel much myself. The music has always provided it for me.

Aside: "Well Gob, this feeling that you're feeling is what most of us would call a, a feeling."
"But it's not like envy...or even hungry!"

Man, now just I'm making myself sound like a robot. Beep...beep...interesting thing today: I was performing a piece from Bach's Magnificat in a recital, and my voice...was not working. I had to stop and restart the piece. It was kind of embarrassing, although it wasn't a big deal to me. But later, someone told me that they really enjoyed my performance because it made me appear human.

It made me appear human. I never knew that I appeared non-human...but don't think I've ever been good at knowing how people view me. Maybe I am a robot.

Mom, am I adopted?

Quatsch! (or, I miss speaking German)

I got some new Ukrainian egg supplies, and I'm obsessed with this egg blower that I just tried out tonight:The description on the box promised that it would be schnell and hygienisch. Schnell? Quite. Hygienisch? Hygienisch as can be. I spent an easily-entertained few minutes reading the directions aloud in German and sniggering at such words as "Faltenbalg," "Auspumpvorganges," and "Wackelpudding."

"Wackelpudding" auf Englisch? Apparently it translates to "jelly," as the corresponding English directions state, "The same procedure for rinsing the egg can be used to fill the egg, for instance with jelly."

Let me get this straight. The fine people at the Blas-Fix company not only imagined some horrible freak of a food as jelly-filled eggs but also assumed they are something people would want assurance that they could make? Well, I wanted to fill this egg with jelly, but the directions didn't say I could, shucks! Guess we'll have to have Schwartzwalde-Kirschtorte instead.

But I'm feeling mischevious, and I can't help but have a little scheme in the back of my head involving a carton of eggs, the egg blower, large quanitities of jelly, and a means of smuggling something back into a grocery store.

I was in a dream, I was gone away without you

I usually don't have performance dreams until long after the shows are done. I made it two nights this time.

...

We are beginning the Masque scene of the Tempest, when suddenly everything seems wrong. Where is everyone who is supposed to be on stage? Oh well, the show must go on I suppose, until pirates interrupt me in the middle of singing and storm the stage. Pretty soon everyone in the cast is a performance slave, dressed in oddball costumes and speaking a kind of gibberish for the audience. Backstage, I drop an ostrich egg a story below and watch it crack on the floor, then foster whispers of revolt against the pirates. "Let's just do the Masque scene like we always did--I want to leave."

...

There was no end. I just woke up.

I don't care, I'll burn out anyhow

You know, I kind of like how it snowed. It made me feel like the end of the semester was near, and I think that mindset was helpful in these past couple days. And now that the snow is melting, and the leaves smell like fall, I feel renewed.

Also, I like being Scandinavian.

Also, I really like tutoring organic chemistry. It's so satisfying to understand a difficult subject and then to be able to make it clear for other people. Maybe someday I'll be an organic chemistry teacher. I would have lessons like "how to draw chair conformations 101," because no one really knows how to draw them...but I do! Ha! It's simple, you just draw two parallel lines at a slant and then connect the ends with slanted triangles...oh gosh...this is like that one time in Tempest rehearsal, when they were discussing Prospero using her telescope in the middle of the day, and I said, "Oh, it must be a radio telescope!"...but I said it really quietly and smiled a little nerdy smile to myself.

I'm glad tutoring gives me an outlet for these things.

Clouds and Starlight

So. I really want to go back to Israel. But I think that I should try to find another REU this summer. Then I can go to Israel after my senior year.

Here's to hoping. *clink*

Can I say what I want?

It's kind of a sad thing for me when I realize that I haven't been actively noticing the texture of words. Sure, the words still have texture to me, but I often don't have the time or maybe the consciousness to devote to really taking in their textures.

It's also sad for me to think that I may not be an active synesthete anymore. I once read that synesthesia kind of fades as people get older--not in their ability to make the connections, but rather in their ability to make new connections. So for me, I feel that all the words I knew when I was younger most likely have some kind of texture, but it seems like the ones I'm learning when I'm older only have texture if they sound similar to other known words. I'm not sure, though.

This makes me want to devote a lot of time just to exploring and enjoying words and creating new savory combinations of textures. I think I'll start making a list of really great words.

Then again, I've never really known what to call what I think of words because it is so variable. Some words sound like foods, others sound like textures, others sound like different sounds. For instance, "community" sounds like a blue Jolly Rancher, "from" sounds like a piece of chalk, and "thousand" sounds like a hybrid between an animal roar and an echo-ey metal clang. Other words may just have a kind of "mood," like open or airy or dark.

Mmm...it all sounds so wonderful! I can't wait to make a list!

Freedom! Heyday! Heyday! Freedom!

I can't get over how ridiculous rehearsals for The Tempest have been. I don't think I've ever acted so crazy in public in all my life. Anyway, I think we've reached the point I always love--the "this shit just got real" moment when directors say how long we have until opening in terms of rehearsals, just to put it into perspective.

This year so far has been really good. It's been refreshing and new for me. I feel like a different person, and I feel like I have a new life because of that.

I've really been enjoying my Cell Biology labs, which is weird for me because I've always hated labs. In a way, I'm excited about this because it means that I'll be able to deal with the lab aspect of research, so I won't have to have a job where I enjoy half of it (field work) and hate the other half (lab). However, at the same time, it makes me a little sad to find that I enjoy this and now have no aversion that would compel me to duck out of science and pursue something else like a career in the arts.

It's almost as if I subconsciously had my mind made up that I would someday change direction, but that decision doesn't make much sense anymore. I'm having to look at my life in a new way now. These decisions are real now, not just theoretical.

I usually try to have some ending to these posts, but I'm at a loss here. This post has no conclusion. It's just a fragment, not a summary of something larger.

Nothing but trouble

Sufjan. Sufjan Stevens. Sufjan Stevens. Sufjan Stevens. Gave me a hug.

It's too late now, your fun's been had

I started trying to do my homework at maybe 6:00. I've gotten nothing done. Boo. Although, I got a lot done this weekend...I've just hit a wall.

And now, even though I have really nothing to say, I feel like forcing my way through nothing is better than trying to accomplish something.

Oh dear.

I bet it has to do with my eating habits this weekend. I ate a lot of sugar, and I think that's screwing up my focus. Maybe. I'm just making stuff up.

Anyway, I'm finding that I'm a total geology nerd. I just...love rocks.

I think weekends are just bad for me. I need the week in order to be really productive. So...I'm calling it quits for tonight.

The future was an empty place, just an open space

This summer, I found that providing for myself is exhausting. It was in part because I lived 10 weeks on my own and then had to travel back home by plane, so I didn't want anything wasted. So, I had to scrupulously plan out a budget and a meal plan for myself. But, as I am prone to do, I went overboard on the planning and got too involved in planning out my days in advance. And in a typical bout of psychological self-diagnosis, I decided that I had a problem. Either that, or I was just tired of it by the time I got home.

But now, I am really just trying to take days as they come. I think it would be healthy for me because when I plan out the day, I worry a lot more about it, needlessly.

It's also comforting to me because it makes me feel like a kid again. And oddly, being more free of worry makes me feel much more in control and not like things will fall apart. So, I feel older and younger at the same time. I'll have to see how this works out once I start getting busy with school, since that's really when my over-planning intensifies...but I'll see what happens. Right now, I'm not going to think too much about the future.

Heaven Restores You In Life

Continuing on last post's subject, this was my thought the other day, "All I want to do is think about God and do things."

I'm almost 20. I will be on Tuesday. I'm not saying that I'm having a crisis because of getting beyond teenage years and still not knowing what I want to do with my life. Though, I did have a moment today of looking in the mirror and seeing myself as 20 years old, seeing myself differently, through new eyes, with a different kind of consciousness about who I am.

No, really, it's just been this whole summer that has augmented the life crisis. I feel I have no patience to do anything professionally at a high level. I like pretty much everything, but the moment I think about doing something specialized at a high level for a living, I get cold feet about it. Maybe this is because a profession would require a personal investment in that field, and I don't see myself as someone who can make that kind of investment. I feel I could do something in a field I like at a lower level, since that would feel more "no strings attached." It would be association with what I like but not identification.

Frankly, it's been making me feel kind of stupid, the idea that I don't have the capacity to go in-depth at a high level in any one field.

Or maybe it's just being around a lot of physics and engineering people this summer. I have no desire to go into either of those fields, and to be honest, part of feeling stupid probably comes from the fact that I've never felt bored in school before, but I've found some of the lectures I've heard this summer about engineering to be some of the most boring things I've ever...pretended to listen to. I'm not accustomed to being unable to absorb new knowledge. Perhaps I'll be able to get back on track once I'm back to my true biology/chemistry/math roots.

That said, I can't wait for school. I love school so much.

The Future and Eternity

For some reason, during the summer, I always become nostalgic for fall and winter. I get strong urges to do things like rake leaves and make gingerbread houses and go to the apple orchard. Maybe I'll make a summer gingerbread home when I get back. I'LL DO THAT!!!

I've also been thinking about my future and what I want to do, and all that's really definite is that I want to be out doing something active, something relating to science, something exploratory. So, I think I want to look into geology. Then I can do a variety of things relating to field work, archeological digging, the ocean, and even going into space. Last night, I heard astronaut Alan Bean speak, and he talked about the opportunity to do numerous things in one's life. In fact, he is now an artist. I hope I can participate in music and performance whatever I end up doing.

I think it's interesting how much I consider myself always trying to rise above earthly things yet am so drawn to geology and earth science...essentially immersing myself in the earth.

I really do spend most of my time thinking about God, though. Especially as of late. Being around atheists makes me want to laugh out of how foolish I think their reasoning is but also cry for the misunderstanding that I see. Hmm. More on that later. Right now it's time to go before this entry gets too long.

Intergalactic Planetary/Another Dimension, or A Preface to NRAO

I also wonder whether my desire for things beyond this world make me less of a human, since I consequently ignore human relationships, or more of a human, since I am following the types of higher goals capable of humanity. But really, I think it isn't a matter of more or less, but rather it's just a matter of difference.

For me, relationships do not define my own humanity. Instead, my expression of humanity is one of thought, of thinking beyond my surroundings. Humanity for me is the ability to transcend the bounds of humanity. To explore unknown places. To imagine new possibilities. To be saved and come to know God.

All I want is to look to the heavens. Right now, I think that is what life means to me. I think this summer will be perfect for that.

P.S. As much as I wish to be completely serious, I still title my entries using things like Beastie Boys lyrics.

And so on.

I just have a few things to say.

First: I need a haircut. Short again.

Second: A few times in my life, I have felt like crying out of happiness. These times occur when I am genuinely complimented about my intellectual capability.

Third: I am unsure whether the fact that I fell in love with Spock after watching Star Trek disproves my former declaration of asexuality or merely affirms it ironically, being that he is not human.

Fourth: I may end up becoming a partial vegetarian (still eating dairy, some kinds of fish)

Fifth: My eyeball just felt like it dissolved slightly. I think I need some sleep.

In Which I Screw Myself Over Again

Yes, I am procrastinating on my paper(s). Well, I'm almost done with this one essay response test for Environmental Issues and Ethics. It's easy, but because of that, I just feel like I'm writing really badly, so it's hard for me to get through it.

Man, but I don't want to talk about my homework anymore! What does that leave me with?

...

I'm looking over at my basket of Ukrainian eggs right now. I'm so proud of them, and I love to examine each one like a jewel. Sometimes it seems like I didn't even make them--as if I put down the wax, but the egg gained a life of its own.

There are so many other crafts I want to do. I am hoping to take Ceramics sometime at school. I think I can fit it in--I probably have about 3 credits free. Total. Haha. I also want to do stained glass. Actually, I once got to make a stained glass window in Vacation Bible School or something, and it was awesome.

When I think of the things I want to do in my life, I don't really think of milestones or accomplishments, things to check off a list and be done with. Rather, I think of skills I want to learn and sustain. They're mostly skills related to art, music, or athletics, such as learning to play guitar or taking martial arts classes. When I think of my life, I can only think of all the things I want to do.

And right now, all I am able to do is school work...and lose will power.

What I Would Say

Do you consider yourself a Christian, a follower of Jesus' teachings?

Then why do you not show love to your neighbor?

Or do you think that petty social divisions take precedence over Jesus' command to love one another? Or do you think that your neighbor is anyone who fits into your standards but not anyone who may be different?

Or do you find it preferable to stay stubbornly rooted in a middle-school level sense of humor and view of others as opposed to taking Jesus' teachings to heart and changing your ways? Or does Christ matter to you only in the sense that he has saved you?

Or do you not believe in the teachings of Jesus, but instead claim to stand for equality and the rights of all? In which case, why do you not refrain from judging people based on their differences? Why can you not be an example of what you believe?

If it is what you believe.

Live what you mean. If you don't mean it, don't proclaim it.

Appreciation

Today, I thought of another thing to add to my list of 52 favorite things. So, I would like to take this time to express my extreme appreciation for place names that describe land, for instance: Cold Spring, Clearwater, Golden Valley, Grand Rapids, Blue Earth. Don't you just want to live places like that? I think Cold Spring is my favorite.

Ah, and I just realized it: Green Bank, West Virginia, where I will be spending my summer. And unlike some of those other places which turn out to be nothing but strip malls lining the sides of the highway, Green Bank is in the National Radio Quiet Zone. So, no radio, TV signal, or microwaves. Isn't that an amazing thought?

I'm a little...well, more than a little scared. Not about the Quiet Zone, I'm excited for that. I hope I get over that fear.

And I thought there was something else to appreciate today, but I can't remember it now.

I get a lot done when I'm trying to find ways to avoid studying for my test tomorrow. My brain is fried.

Here Comes The Sun

Alright, so the last post was about nostalgia for elementary school. However. Since Rachel started listening to The Beatles, I've started listening to them again too. A lot. They're all I've been listening to lately.

For me, The Beatles started in the winter of sixth grade and lasted through eighth grade (when I finally found some new music, namely U2 at the time). So, what I've really been feeling like is my middle school self.

I know, middle school? The time everyone looks back on as horribly awkward or miserable? But the thing is, I really liked middle school. I was still such a kid then (most of my "problems" didn't arise until 9th grade). I loved my friends and teachers and school subjects, and I still had plenty of free time, so my creativity wasn't quashed with a load full of homework. I was pretty darn happy.

So, listening to the Beatles has been making me feel much happier than I think I have been since, oh, 9th grade. Maybe it's all the vitamin D talking, but I really feel good. And I want to stay that way. It's not that I have some Peter Pan Complex and want to avoid responsibility and homework. It's more that I want some tiny way to be carefree.

And I think that more and more, that desire is manifesting itself in an asexual identity.

Can I say that?

To be honest, perhaps it's only what I feel right now--that at this time, I am so busy that my mind knows it's the only way to be carefree. But I can't deny that saying it right now feels fantastic.

I was an outstanding first grader

I spent some of tonight looking through old papers in the attic. We have a lot of stuff saved from school, especially from when we were really young. It's because all the stuff from that time is so freakin' cute. I went through and recycled all of my AP Euro tests, but I could not part with any of my "First Grade Super Speller" or "Alphabet Journal" relics.

Sometimes I honestly think I peaked in elementary school. I loved doing the work so much then, and I was already ahead because I started reading when I was three. Now, I feel like I have to work so hard to keep my head above water. Of course I do. I'm 19 now, not 6, and I'm a sophomore in college completing two majors and a minor.

But really, looking at these old papers just makes me want to be an elementary school teacher. Or an elementary schooler.

Although, apparently even when I was in first grade, I had some troubles. My report card said that I was an "outstanding first grader." But then my teacher mentioned that I had chronic stomach pains, and that she noticed that I worried a lot, which might have caused the pains. I don't remember that at all, but do you know what I do remember? Entering second grade and deciding, and consequently worrying, that I hadn't grown sufficiently smarter over the summer.

I think my nostalgia for elementary school is caused by some need to reconcile something from that time. Not to get all psychoanalytic, though I tend to do that, but I think the worry of not being smart enough (compared to others in my grade) robbed me of innocence that early in my life and has followed me up to the present. I think it's the reason I have very little confidence in my abilities, despite earning good grades.

Or maybe, judging by the fact that I unconsciously checked my schedule to see how long until Spring Break (3 weeks), I'm just a little tired.

I'm gonna pack it up

I still have important things I have to get done before school starts on Wednesday. Nuts. And I'm having a really difficult time getting stuff done. So, in light of that, I will make a list of some of the things I did over break, both for inspiration and as a cheap ploy to tell everyone about my life for the past month. Not that it will take very long. Good Lord, I've done nothing.

1. Bought myself an iPod nano (in purple)
2. Read four, soon to be five books, one of which was a lot smuttier than I expected
3. Applied to four out of eight internships I'm looking at for the summer
4. Baked a lot of things, including a chocolate babka (am probably heavier now)
5. Sang for a couple things
6. Made a resume
7. Saw what just might be the worst movie I've ever seen*
8. Learned the dance steps to Thriller

I have yet to plan my independent study for next semester, and I have to finish this book that's taking my all of bizarre love triangle to finish. Wait, what? I just used the same made up idiom in a consecutive post. Who am I, Mrs. Noah**?

*Which brings me to this. Now, I'm not exactly unfamiliar with the world of bad movies. I enjoy a good MST3K and even suffer through movies without the entertaining commentary, like Sextette or Pom Poko. However, I don't think any of them have had the exact sting of the made-for-TV version of Noah's Ark, starring Jon Voight as Noah (and God) and some psycho as Noah's wife, the "second mother of all humanity." **As she might say, don't let the cat out of the bag before you skin it. Let that be a lesson to you all.

Hey little apple blossom, what seems to be the problem?

I haven't written in my journal for a long time (my hard cover journal, not this newfangled in-ter-net thing--although, looking at what I used to write in my journals, the question of which type of journal is more silly is highly debatable). But last night, I picked up my pen and started writing, and right there, four pages. And I write small.

I think the reason living like a hermit in the wilderness appeals to me so much is not only the solitude, but also the heightened activity level necessary for survival. I've always loved survival stories, and I think that's because in a survival situation, someone would need to be busy all the time, and every action would be vital.

Even when I was little, I always wanted to keep busy with a lot of things, and I wanted to do important things. Really, that's all I care about. Sometimes people compliment me because I can manage school and activities, but I always feel weird receiving that compliment. It's just how I am--I've never been able to live any differently.

Well, this entry is taking me all of Bizarre Love Triangle to finish, so I'm just gonna cut it off here.

And loses herself in her dreaming and sleep

So last night, I had one of my recurring performance dreams. This one was about Once Upon A Mattress, which must have had a big impact on me since that performance was two years ago. And somehow, Screamtown also showed up in that dream, and even my dream self shuddered at the thought of it.

But more interesting was my dream from two nights ago. First I was swimming with sharks in a deep-sea ravine, and then that ravine somehow turned into castle ruins, and I became Hamlet, but I could fly. Well, not so much fly as kick off from the ground and then hover. It wasn't a very controlled process and I recall being frustrated with the aimlessness of it all in the dream, particularly as it resulted in being captured by the nurse from Romeo and Juliet*. But somehow I escaped her and was able to get outside to a hedged in garden (not underwater anymore), where the dream proceeded to become a full-fledged Broadway musical with me as Hamlet, leaping along the hedge and singing the smash hit "I'm Back Where I Started From!" Scene change to me approaching the castle again, where I am captured once again. That's all I remember.

*Note: I only realized the continuity error of this when I woke up. At the time, I assumed she was part of the story. Plus, I was too busy planning my big Broadway debut.

Why am I writing about this? Well, the strange content of my dream as well as the need for something to do led me to look up dream interpretations, and almost everything pointed to this: negative/neglected emotions and a feeling of inactivity/lack of direction. So, I'm trying to remedy that through writing this. Also, I just looked at some things from last night's dream, and they pointed to a desire to be noticed.

Well. Here I am!