The world surrounds us every day

We returned from our traditional trip out to Appleton for Thanksgiving. I love going out to Western Minnesota. At the same time, the small towns out there make me feel...I'm not sure if claustrophobic is the right word because you can see for miles. If anything, it makes me feel as if I'm going to fly off the face of the earth. Anxious is perhaps the word I'm looking for. Everything feels stuck in the past, tired, forgotten. Forgotten things make me uncomfortable, I think.

This makes me wonder--am I really someone who needs the city? I've never really thought of myself as someone who fits best in areas of high population, especially since I've often thought that I would even enjoy living alone in the woods. But I don't think it's the population that makes a difference--I think what I need is a dynamic atmosphere. The city gives me that, maybe even simply because the city gives me a degree of anonymity, so I can have my own island of thoughts. Living alone in the woods would also leave me in solitude with my thoughts. So, both settings would be as dynamic as my own mind. On the other hand, small towns are much more static and exposed in my mind, and I think I find that oppressive.

There's something I can't quite reconcile about how I feel yet, though. I've been thinking about it all day, or at least, for most of the 6 hours spent in the car. Sometimes I wonder about the conclusions I make to justify the way I feel. I'm so out of touch with my feelings that I seldom know why I feel something, so I have to psychoanalyze myself to figure it out. But I only go until I find something that makes sense to me. Who knows if it is true or not.

At the same time, I have learned to trust my feelings even when I do not understand them. I have found that my intuition can speak for my true self better than my conscious thoughts often can. In a way, that makes me feel kind of powerless, especially since I value my mind a lot and I think the greatest gift I have is the ability to make sense of things in my head. Emotions are humbling, aren't they.