But you know sometimes I'm a liar

This is another classic high school Christine song. I was thinking about it, and I think that back then, I loved being able to relate to these songs about bitter relationships. When I said in my previous post that I felt edgy, I think it was partly because I listened to songs like this rather than any kind of sappy wimpy music to deal with heartache. There was nothing mopey or gentle about my feelings--they more closely resembled the crunchy guitar riffs and hard beats and dark twists of songs like this. I kind of feel like there aren't many bands out there right now of this style--everything's gotten a bit precious and sensitive. Man, and the Violent Femmes were so minimal, too. It's so awesome. Something about those late 80s/early 90s alternative bands--Sonic Youth, Smashing Pumpkins, Violent Femmes, Pixies--I really love them all.

But I think these kind of feelings were as difficult as it got for me in high school. It really wasn't that bad at all, especially when I look at it in retrospect of the experience of severe depression and everything that encompassed that. There was none of this kind of musical energy in that pain. It was dampened, lifeless.

So now that I am experiencing this old Violent Femmes style heartache again, it feels ridiculous. I feel foolish and naive and as if the real trouble I've had didn't even happen--I know that pain so much worse is possible, but that doesn't convince me not to feel hurt. It's like whatever I learned from the pain of severe depression isn't helping me right now.

I guess they were different situations--right now, the pain is like being stabbed, whereas before it was like a chronic illness. Still, you'd think I would be stronger now. But instead, I feel I am much weaker.

In some ways, this is a good thing, though. I have found that I have become a much more sympathetic and understanding person in general due to experiencing severe depression. I don't have time for unkindness and don't understand it or tolerate it in others. I suppose this makes me pretty sensitive and prone to be upset when others aren't kind (which kind of backfires because then I can retaliate in a very unkind way. I'm not perfect). But I don't think I'm wrong in wanting and striving for kindness.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control

I love to sing "Fathom the Nine Fruits Pie" by Danielson to remind me of the nine fruits of the spirit. What a great song. :) I'll try to have that at the front of my mind.

I'll tell you what you want, and I'll tell you what you get

-you get away from me. I haven't listened to that song in quite a while. It makes me a bit nostalgic for my more foolish high school days when I thought I could be some sort of dark green navy blue kind of girl.

I always felt so edgy in high school and in my freshman year of college. I felt like I wasn't as innocent as other students. I really don't know why specifically, but I had that feeling. Maybe I felt like my view wasn't as limited or something--I cared about bigger things.

I'm not sure who that girl was. A silly girl. I'm happy to be where I am now instead. I really do feel a lot older compared to when I was a freshman. Although, all my more foolish dreams are buried somewhere inside, and I wish I had someone who could relate to them and bring them out of me. I'll never broadcast them, but they're definitely there.

I'm wiser in some ways, yes. Not so much in other ways, namely relationships. I'm working on it, I'm really trying. But then again, there's only so much I can do on my own--other people have to want to spend time with me, too.

I'll admit, I get very lonely. It makes a huge difference that I live at home. It may not seem like a big deal because I'm right by campus, but the thing is, so much happens that is not planned. People hang out in their dorms with their roommates while doing homework, they go to dinner together, they go on spontaneous missions. This is where relationships grow, and this is what I lack. I am often only included if something is highly planned, and usually not even then. I don't really have a group that I feel a part of because of my situation.

That's given me trouble for a long time. I have been confused and felt unimportant. For a while (and due to other reasons) this feeling of worthlessness was so bad that it took on the form of depression. Though that has overwhelmingly passed, I am still vulnerable to those feelings and doubts.

And they surface most often when I really really want someone to care about me, i.e., because I really really care about them. So, often the relationships that I want the most of are the ones I am most confused and doubtful of. And with my luck, most everyone I care about a lot doesn't care about me in the same way. It's really hard for me to open up when I have these doubts. I get really closed off without meaning to.

This all makes me sound really gloomy. But I'm a very positive person in general. I guess all this stuff is just hidden. It's sometimes hard to keep my spirits up, though.

I try. Sometimes I fail.