well, there's something I never told you about that night

I talked with ML tonight about our old house. I really, really loved that house.

Once again, I am feeling like being somewhere other than where I am. I want to go back to Korea, go back to Israel, go somewhere with people I love.

I am thinking about how excited I am to go to Nicaragua. But then, I am thinking way ahead into the future, how I want to go to Israel next summer, and how the choir is going to Korea in 2012 and how much I wish I could go too. And when I think about that, I suddenly realize that's in over a year--who knows what I will be doing then? How can I possibly make plans that far ahead? Why restrict my future by deciding that what I want now is what I will want later?

That's something that I still struggle with, and I really want to be able to be led to my future rather than structuring it all out. It's kind of scary, but I can't imagine what God has in store for my life. In fact, it's really difficult for me. I'm a person who tries to do everything at once, and if I want something enough, then I want to make a plan right away so I can get it. That's dangerous when I want a lot of things, though, because then I get overloaded. I also lose the joy of making daily, intuitive decisions--decisions that really have nothing to do with me, but everything to do with what God is showing me.

I haven't been the best lately. Old habits and thought patterns have crept back into my routine, and I feel a little helpless, especially since I know now how much I need other people. I don't have that many people, though. My relationships with others are becoming driven by fear, once again. I fear people drawing away from me, and I believe this to be true.

I think that what I need is to be a part of a group of friends. I haven't had that...well, I suppose I had that at LSM. I need people with whom I can belong. I need to be a part of a group where I would naturally be invited to do things, because I am just one of the essential people in the group.

I suppose I'm saying that I need a community.