Bleh. I started describing my recurring dream, but it got too bogged down with details. Let's just say that last night's version of the recurring dream did nothing to alleviate my fears about starting school again.

But I am feeling a little better today. It would just be helpful if I stopped having that dream.

I think I'll go for a walk and try to get some sun. Vitamin D.

Ooh, and "Robin and Marian" by Nickel Creek just came up on my iTunes, and it's making me feel like fall! Oh, fall! October 16 can't come soon enough :)

A few hours later

For a second there, I thought I had posted my last entry to the Lamb Chop blog. That would have been awkward.

But perhaps I jinxed things by writing on this blog again. By that, I mean I am discouraged. You know, I was feeling really great while I was in Israel. I figured it was just due to time--that I was feeling better because I was consistently feeling better every day for an extended time, and that that feeling had just built up and gotten strong. I thought I was feeling better because I'd had time to really think over the ideas of what I wanted to do with my life. I thought I was feeling better because I had lived with hope for some time.

Now that I'm home, though...I realize that a lot of my feeling better was due to being away from home. I'm afraid of being in the same place in the same situations, because how can I prevent myself from being brought down again? Because really, nothing has changed except how I feel. And now I'm starting to feel like I did before once again, since everything is so much the same. It's scary, and of course being afraid does nothing to help bring me up.

I thought that being in Israel had gotten me back on track with who I am. Now I'm discouraged that I seem to be getting off track so easily. It's only been two weeks!

I'm actually really scared.

Alright. I will go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day.

I'm not 18. And I like it!

It's been a little while since I posted on here. I suppose that in many ways, I feel like a different person than whoever I was when I wrote most of this blog. I started it when I was what, 18? And now I'm 21. I know I have changed a lot.

I think I feel a little less compelled to write on here because I don't feel so voiceless and ignored anymore.

I'm really excited to start school again. I mean, when am I not excited to start school? But it tends to happen that I'm excited to start and then get worn out very quickly. I think this year might be different, though. I know a lot more about myself and what I need and what is important to me, and those things are all strong defenses against burnout and depression.

At the same time, it's a little frightening to enter again into the routine that caused me so much trouble to begin with. I don't know how well I'll withstand the stress.

I guess I shouldn't add additional stress by stressing about how stressed I might be. Geez.

But I do have hope. My life is moving on now. It's always been moving on, but it left me behind for a while, and it got out of control. I couldn't find my way back to it through the haze. Now that I can see much clearer, I have caught up again. Well, nearly caught up again. My real life is within arm's reach, I'm sure.