And when it lives, it gives it all it gots

I keep listening to this song, over and over:



I've been reading all kinds of books, finally. I went to the library on Como Avenue for the first time. That building has enchanted me for some time now, and it was just as marvelous on the inside as it is on the outside. It was in no way fancy, but it reminded me of a palace nonetheless. I really think libraries are the most wonderful places in the world.

Today I helped out in the garden some, and mom said we would re-pot my cactus. Finally. This is a cactus I got as a confirmation gift, and it has grown steadily over the past...six years? However long ago that was. But it's still in the same tiny pot as always, despite being about three feet tall now. It turned out that we didn't have enough cactus soil to re-pot it today. Soon, though!

Like that cactus, I have grown over the past years, but I have been confined in various ways. Also like that cactus, I am beginning a state of my life where I have been given the opportunity to broaden my horizons, change, thrive.

Perhaps a better symbol for the way I feel right now would be a phoenix. I'm not quite able to fly yet. But I am rising from ashes.

Oh, I just remembered this. Outside a house on my regular walking route, there was some free stuff on the lawn with "PLEASE TAKE US" written on the sidewalk. The next time I walked there, the stuff was gone, but the sidewalk note remained. I liked to imagine that it was intended as a sign to aliens.

Oh! And in just over a month, I'll be in ISRAEL!!!

What's with all the changin' since the time I was aware?

I feel lost. I know, nothing new. But for a while there, things were starting to look up. Now I feel like things are settling back into the same lowness, and this worries me.

I feel like things will be better once the stresses of school are over, but then what? I can't escape from the weight of my future.

Why can't I just get better?

I think Israel will be therapeutic for me. I hope so, at least. Israel is at least one beautiful part of my future. This is what I want to do in Israel: study for the GRE, read a ton of books, read the Bible, swim in Galilee, write, have passionfruit popsicles, lie under the palm trees in the evening. Sigh. You would not believe how much my heart is straining right now.