Look for me another day

Now that I'm healthier again, I'm finding myself with all kinds of spare energy and desire to...do stuff. Yeah. That's why I'm sitting here on the floor in the living room at 5:30, still in my pajamas. Well, you know what? I have no response to that. Except that it's Saturday, and I've been baking things all day.

I'm not going to talk about my future right now in a "What should I do?" sense because I've exhausted that topic, even though it's still what I'm typically thinking about.

I have a lot of half-finished entries. I just realized that I didn't end up writing about: things I don't like about the modern world, profanity, how I tend to make things up, the day I went on a walk and discovered poems in the sidewalk, and questioning the reason for me to be writing on a blog. These are all things that I've been thinking about. But since I haven't reached the stage of completely abandoning this blog because of my opinions about the internet, I'll just keep on keeping on. Thumbs up!

Maybe I will talk about the future. When I was barely 17, I went to a palm reader (at the Renaissance Festival, no less). It had nothing to do with believing in palm reading, but it was more a combination of curiosity about what the palm reader would say and a deep desire to be reassured about my future in any way possible. I was feeling about like I am right now--impatient to let the future come to me and wanting to know the story of my life so that I could make the right decisions.

Actually, when I think about it now, what I wanted to know most was whether the whole not wanting a relationship thing was real, or if I would end up finding someone who fit with me. Sure, family/friends might say things about how there was someone out there who was a good match for me, but that's not what I was thinking about. I wanted to know whether I was being true to myself in not desiring relationships, or whether that would be a temporary attitude.

Anyway, not knowing how to express this without coming across as completely abnormal, I blurted out something about being afraid of being alone. The palm reader just laughed and said of course I wouldn't be alone. She looked at my hands and said she saw children in my future, 3 or 4. Then she said that she was more worried that I would get very serious and involved with someone at a very young age, without much experience.

And I thought, "..."

That kind of dampened my desire to know anything more about my future, for the time. I couldn't imagine me getting really involved with anyone period, let alone at a young age. I didn't think I was so foolish. But when I think about it now, this prediction makes perfect sense for me. If I were to get involved with anyone, it would obviously be both serious and without experience, simply because I would only be interested in someone if I were serious about them, and I am not serious about anyone, so I won't have any experience until that happens. You know?

But the question remains as to whether that will actually happen (And at a young age. How old is young?). I am not particularly biased one way or the other, just because I can't think about wanting someone I don't know yet. However, I think I am lucky because from what I know about myself, I will know as soon as I meet this person. It will not be love at first sight. It will be "I can see that I will love you in the future" at first sight.

Why will I know? It will be like looking in a mirror. Our lives will run so parallel that the similarity will become pronounced in our bodies, and I won't be able to tell which of us is which. We will be complimentary colors. We will sound as a chord. We will diffuse into each others' lives so that we were together all along, just not face to face until that moment, since we will both be timeless and ageless.

(aside: I think that really says a lot about narcissism, ego, and androgyny, right there.)

At least, I imagine that's the only way I would find someone. And that's why I haven't been interested in a relationship with anyone I'm around. Plus, I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm way too naive and can't think realistically about something like this yet...

Yes, this is all incredibly naive. But at least I'm not naive enough to assume that it will happen.

I don't remember why I wanted to write about this. I've been getting in the habit of writing really long entries, which is maybe a indication that I'm starting to think of this less as something for others to read.

Oh. P.S. The microraptor presentation went really well.