Be just who you're made to be

I was trying to look back on 2009. My journal wasn't very helpful--it contained a few sparse entries from January and February and then skipped to September. Terrific. I'm sure I must have written things in those months, but they're in other notebooks other than the ones I have with me here in Korea. Really, I'm not sure 2009 was anything I want to look back on. But without further ado, I will attempt some of the survey questions I answered last year on this blog. It's good to kind of synthesize things, however arbitrary it may be at this time. And these are not necessarily things from 2009, but things that I experienced for the first time in 2009. So, you know, it's all about me.

Favorite Books: The World According to Garp, The Screwtape Letters, The Good Earth, East of Eden

Favorite Movies: What did I even watch this year? Oh, Star Trek. The Orphanage still haunts me...geez that movie is creepy. Oh, and speaking of creepy, I saw Jacob's Ladder as well. Oh, and Hair! NOT (500) Days of Summer, which I saw on the plane and HATED. I think I just don't like Zooey Deschanel. But I was annoyed because her character in some ways reminded me of me, but her character seemed so manufactured. I don't find anything charming about a manufactured version of myself. Or the real version of myself, for that matter...

Favorite Music: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah (self-titled album), The Helio Sequence (both albums), Wolf Parade (especially the song Modern World), Carry the Zero by Built to Spill, any Sufjan Stevens that I hadn't heard before (Enjoy Your Rabbit, A Sun Came, The BQE, and all the new stuff from the live shows...especially the new stuff), Pneumonia's Deathbed by my own friend, Kyle (aka Uncle Jemima)

Favorite Memories: finding out that I was going to Puerto Rico, sitting on the roof listening to Kyle play guitar, tap dancing in Dames at Sea, being in The Tempest, the day we hiked to the waterfall in Puerto Rico, going to the highest point in West Virginia, prank night at the Jansky Lab, the Sufjan shows, coming to Korea, watching The Swan Princess with ML after she'd had too much wine, the City Museum (oh man, how could I forget!), driving out to West Virginia and staying at the cabin in Chattanooga

I guess there was more goodness in 2009 that I remembered. Or actually, more accurately, these are the few rays of light in an otherwise gray and heavy year.

Looking at the few entries in my journal from January and February, I was really surprised at something: I ended the year with almost the exact same issues as in the beginning. Feeling worthless, hating the TV, growing more convicted of asexuality.

It came full circle. But I don't want to repeat 2009. I kind of think things may be looking better, though. For one, I'm really trying to break my pride and need for control. Mom says that the fact that I've come to this point may mean that God is trying to open my heart. I believe her. God knows what I need, and it's different from how I'm trying to live.

I was trying to remember if I'd written about my bike accident. That didn't happen in 2009, but it's still relevant. You know what I remember most about it? I didn't cry until they said they were going to call my parents. At that moment, I broke down, since I was so upset that I had been in an accident because I felt like an inconvenience.

I suppose that's the issue--that if I can't rely on myself, or if something interrupts my independence, then I feel like an inconvenience or get really anxious. I don't think I can live with this mindset any more. And I need God's help. So maybe the issues of 2009 will be a thing of 2009 and not 2010. Well, I think I'll always hate TV in general. I don't have a problem with that, though.

I believe things will change.