Heaven Restores You In Life

Continuing on last post's subject, this was my thought the other day, "All I want to do is think about God and do things."

I'm almost 20. I will be on Tuesday. I'm not saying that I'm having a crisis because of getting beyond teenage years and still not knowing what I want to do with my life. Though, I did have a moment today of looking in the mirror and seeing myself as 20 years old, seeing myself differently, through new eyes, with a different kind of consciousness about who I am.

No, really, it's just been this whole summer that has augmented the life crisis. I feel I have no patience to do anything professionally at a high level. I like pretty much everything, but the moment I think about doing something specialized at a high level for a living, I get cold feet about it. Maybe this is because a profession would require a personal investment in that field, and I don't see myself as someone who can make that kind of investment. I feel I could do something in a field I like at a lower level, since that would feel more "no strings attached." It would be association with what I like but not identification.

Frankly, it's been making me feel kind of stupid, the idea that I don't have the capacity to go in-depth at a high level in any one field.

Or maybe it's just being around a lot of physics and engineering people this summer. I have no desire to go into either of those fields, and to be honest, part of feeling stupid probably comes from the fact that I've never felt bored in school before, but I've found some of the lectures I've heard this summer about engineering to be some of the most boring things I've ever...pretended to listen to. I'm not accustomed to being unable to absorb new knowledge. Perhaps I'll be able to get back on track once I'm back to my true biology/chemistry/math roots.

That said, I can't wait for school. I love school so much.