Lately, I don't think of you at all

December 2 - Writing.
What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

I worry. I worry about little things and perfectionism, and I keep them all bottled inside my head until they are so mixed up and so deeply ingrained into my consciousness that I can't possibly put them into words. Or, I don't have the energy to put them into words. Worrying is exhausting.

Mostly, though, I think my mind just operates this way. My mind is always going, and I don't always have the patience to slow it down enough to sort it out. I'm not sure I can eliminate that. Although, what I can do is keep answering questions and prompts like this. These things force me to make some sense. I can also learn to be at peace.

When the story ends, the one that's in my head

So, it's over halfway through December, but I'm going to do these because I want to and I have time. I'll just do them quickly.

December 1 - One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

I know the feeling I'd like to encapsulate (heh), but I'm not quite sure what the best word is. Let me think. I think I'm going to say LIGHT. This has a couple different meanings. It refers to the rays of light that finally penetrated the dark fog in front of my eyes. It refers the lightened feeling that comes from being conscious and alive, no longer being someone whose every step and action is heavy, sticky, slow. It refers to the removal of pressure, pressure that kept me tightly compressed and cold like a stone.

And what do I want one year from today? So many things, but the word I will go with is WHOLE.

You know what Christine does? She fucking goes to movies alone.

well, there's something I never told you about that night

I talked with ML tonight about our old house. I really, really loved that house.

Once again, I am feeling like being somewhere other than where I am. I want to go back to Korea, go back to Israel, go somewhere with people I love.

I am thinking about how excited I am to go to Nicaragua. But then, I am thinking way ahead into the future, how I want to go to Israel next summer, and how the choir is going to Korea in 2012 and how much I wish I could go too. And when I think about that, I suddenly realize that's in over a year--who knows what I will be doing then? How can I possibly make plans that far ahead? Why restrict my future by deciding that what I want now is what I will want later?

That's something that I still struggle with, and I really want to be able to be led to my future rather than structuring it all out. It's kind of scary, but I can't imagine what God has in store for my life. In fact, it's really difficult for me. I'm a person who tries to do everything at once, and if I want something enough, then I want to make a plan right away so I can get it. That's dangerous when I want a lot of things, though, because then I get overloaded. I also lose the joy of making daily, intuitive decisions--decisions that really have nothing to do with me, but everything to do with what God is showing me.

I haven't been the best lately. Old habits and thought patterns have crept back into my routine, and I feel a little helpless, especially since I know now how much I need other people. I don't have that many people, though. My relationships with others are becoming driven by fear, once again. I fear people drawing away from me, and I believe this to be true.

I think that what I need is to be a part of a group of friends. I haven't had that...well, I suppose I had that at LSM. I need people with whom I can belong. I need to be a part of a group where I would naturally be invited to do things, because I am just one of the essential people in the group.

I suppose I'm saying that I need a community.

I wanna hurry home to you

Sometimes, I really feel like doing these things, and I feel I need to apologize for it, but whatever.

TEN things I wish I could say to ten different people (but don't say their names)

1. I wish I could have known you.

2. I've always cared so much about you, even if it didn't seem like it.

3. I wish you had the same opportunities I have.

4. If you liked me, why didn't you ever do anything about it?

5. We are soul mates.

6. I wish you had been around earlier.

7. I was not well.

8. I want to spend some time alone with you.

9. I wish I had someone who believes in me like you did.

10. I wish I could have known you.

NINE things about myself

1. I still have a tough time telling left from right.

2. I love to dance, though I haven't gotten to do much of it.

3. Sometimes I feel like I'm at a really low reading level--I daydream far too much when I read.

4. My hair has almost always been short.

5. When I am living on my own, I want a whole room devoted entirely to arts and crafts.

6. I want to go into outer space.

7. I would mourn severely if one of my Lamb Chops was lost or ruined. (I was going to say hurt, but...?)

8. I am fascinated with my family history on my mom's side. Something about hearing about people living out on the prairie in the 1800's...it's so interesting.

9. It's really important for me to have a creative and/or experimental outlet.

EIGHT ways to win my heart

1. Desire to live a life centered on Christ--really, fully, consciously live what you believe.

2. Don't think you have to do anything to get my attention. Just pay me attention, and I will reciprocate. (That is, what gets my attention is talking to me. That happens so rarely that when it does, I recognize it as a special quality.)

3. Share my sense of humor.

4. Be kind, positive, not speaking badly about people. Don't use the words retarded and gay as insults--in fact, I think I would swoon if you called someone else out when they did that.

5. Help me when I need it, and accept help from me if you need it.

6. Value creativity and be passionate enough to create things yourself.

7. Have a sense of adventure.

8. Introduce me to new things and let me introduce you to new things.

SEVEN things that cross my mind a lot

1. "I should finish that letter."

2. My relationships with others

3. Plans for this upcoming year

4. "How will I go into outer space one day?"

5. Israel

6. "Why am I always late?"

7. "How will I do all this?"

SIX random things I wanted to mention

1. I like to hula hoop in my living room, and it's sometime happened with no pants.

2. The early morning is so beautiful to me.

3. Drawing chair conformations in organic chemistry isn't all that hard once you get the trick.

4. The best desserts are made with alcohol, but I don't like alcohol on its own.

5. I have this fear of mixing up the search bar and the status bar on facebook, which would result in me posting a status as a person's name, who would then know that I was searching for their profile.

6. Growing up is a fascinating thing.

FIVE people/persons who mean so much to me (in no particular order)

1. My parents.

2. My sisters.

3. My Lamb Chop family.

4. My Grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins

5. Dan, AJ, Kyle, Eric, Brennan, Rachel (i.e., friends)

FOUR things I'm wearing right now

1. Jacket, because I was still cold

2. Silver ring

3. Green hoodie

4. Socks

THREE songs that I listen to often (at the moment)

1. I Walked-Sufjan Stevens

2. Slow Show-The National (wonderful!!!)

3. Carry the Zero-Built to Spill

TWO things I want to do before I die

1. Go into outer space.

2. CENSORED.

ONE : CONFESSION

1. If Sufjan Stevens came to my door right now and asked me to marry him, I would without hesitation say yes.

I was filling out a course evaluation for my Pilates class, and I got to the question, "What did you enjoy most about this class?"

I really, really wanted to put, "Strengthening my core." I didn't.